


Lesbian Icons

by lostlilsnail



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humor, goofy nonsense, plenty of OOCness for comedic purposes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 10:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14042676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostlilsnail/pseuds/lostlilsnail
Summary: In desperate need of love advice, Ruby Lucas visits Storybrooke's resident lesbian icons. She regrets it very quickly.A short, goofy oneshot to celebrate the SQ victory today! Congrats guys :)





	Lesbian Icons

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really quick, silly thing so Gold won't be mentioned at all. Let's just say this is an AU where Ruby didn't mysteriously disappear and one of the times Belle broke it off with Gold she didn't take him back. This isn't the funniest thing I've ever written but I wrote it in like three hours so please cut me some slack and be gentle thanks <3
> 
> Also, A Very Potter Musical reference is thrown into the mix because I'm trapped in the past.

Ruby takes a handful of slow, steadying breaths as she nears the corner booth against the far window.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

In and-

Pause. Smile. Head tilt.

"Hey, so can I get you anything else? More tea?"

Nailed it.

Belle looks up from her book, flashing a soft smile of her own. "I really shouldn't. I'm supposed to meet my father in a couple hours and there's a rapidly growing mountain in the drop box I've been neglecting. I want to replace all the returns before the library opens tomorrow."

Ruby's chest tightens in a panic. Belle isn't supposed to leave yet. She always lingers on her day off, cooped up in the back of the quiet diner with a book for at least an hour, usually more. Ruby had been planning to ask when she left. But-

But Belle's leaving now.

Ruby can't ask _now_.

She's not ready for now.

Now is way too soon.

If she asks now she's going to _die_.

"Welp, alrighty then," she says, way too loud considering how close she's standing. It's enough that Belle startles a bit and the few other customers dotted about the diner glance over. "No prob, Bob." And then completely without her consent, Ruby's hands shoot Belle a couple of finger guns as she backs away towards the safety of the kitchen.    

Entire being flooded with heat, Ruby groans as soon as the door swings shut behind her. "Oh god," she breathes in horror, "I called her Bob and shot finger guns."

Granny doesn't even so much as glance away from the onion rings she's deep frying. "Still not as bad as last week's, 'ditto, kiddo,' incident."

"You promised never to speak of that."

 

-

 

Okay so, maybe after fourteen Sunday's straight of chickening out of asking Belle on a date, it's time for Ruby to admit to herself that she needs a little help. And well, in an exceedingly straight town like Storybrooke, her options are quite limited.

After she asks Mulan how to tell your best friend you like them in a super gay way and the warrior bursts into tears, there's really only one place left to go.

So Ruby plucks up her courage and relinquishes her dignity and dares to knock on the door of the town's most volatile duo.

This is probably the worst idea she's ever had.

"Oh, god," Emma groans, face falling when she pulls open the mansion door to find Ruby on the other side, "who's attacking us now? Is it urgent? It's supposed to be my day off. Is it that fucking chernabog dude again? Because I swear to god if he summons up anymore dancing demon ladies I'll-"

"No," Ruby cuts in quickly, hands up in defense. "No monsters or demons. This is actually a social visit."

The change is instantaneous. The heavy weight of 'savior' clatters off of Emma's shoulders and she grins, pleasant surprise shining through. "Really? Awesome." She steps back quickly to give Ruby some room. "Come on in. What's up?"

"I was actually hoping I could talk with you guys and," Ruby winces a bit as she steps through the doorway, prays her humiliation isn't betraying itself in her cheeks, "you know, maybe get some romantic advice?"

The door slams shut with a dramatic bang and Ruby whips about to find Emma gaping at her, eyes impossibly wide.

"Ro-romantic advice?"

"Yes?"

"My time has come," Emma whispers to herself, and Ruby's just about to apologize for possibly offending her or something--because she looks a bit deranged--before Emma's pushing past her to shout up the stairs, "Regina, get down here one of our people needs us! Hurry up! This is our moment!"

The returning cry is immediate. "Swan, stop screaming or _so help me god-"_

Tears aside, Ruby probably should have just stuck with Mulan.

"She'll just be a minute," Emma assures her while Regina hurries down the stairs.

"I don't know why you can't bring yourself to remember that shouting in the house is unacceptable except in case of life or death emergency. It's rule number one in the information pamphlet you received at orientation. Honestly, Emma, it's all very simple."

"What?" Emma's brow furrows. "No yelling is rule number four. Number one is no shoes indoors. Which, as you can see," Emma gestures down to her socked feet, wiggling her toes a little, "I am following. So-"

"It most certainly is not rule number four." Regina crosses her arms, features hard. Good god, Ruby really should have stuck with Mulan. "It hasn't been since the most recent revisal and reprint. So unless you're using an outdated information pamphlet-"

"Oh my god," Emma grumbles as she fishes a folded up bundle of glossy paper from her pocket, "look." She wrenches it open and drags her finger over the lines upon lines of numbered points. "Rule one: no shoes indoors unless necessary for matters of urgent importance." She drags her finger further down. "Rule four," she declares smugly, "No yelling, shouting, screaming, or exclamations of a similar persuasion unless necessary to warn housemates/guests of a situation that may lead to danger, bodily harm, or death. Exceptions: surprise parties and visits from children under the age of seven."

Maybe Ruby doesn't want to be a lesbian anymore after all.

"Let me see that." Regina snatches the pamphlet from Emma with a snarl. It takes mere seconds for her to light up in triumph. "Look, see here it states very clearly that you are using version two point six. Meanwhile," she pins Emma with a condescending look to offset the sickly sweetness of her voice, "the rest of the household has been using version two point seven, which was printed and handed out five days ago." She hands it back to Emma with a superior smile. "Your information is outdated."

"Whatever." Emma rolls her eyes and tears the pamphlet in half.

A startled gasp bursts from Regina and she stares at Emma as though she'd just spit at her feet. "How _dare_ you?"

"You _just_ told me it was worthless," Emma cries.

"I printed that on the good stock paper."

"Jesus christ." Emma shakes her head and stuffs the remains of her rulebook back into her pocket. "Look, we'll go over the new pamphlet together later."

That seems to appease Regina at least a little. Though her features are sour enough Ruby quickly slips out of her sneakers and reminds herself to keep her voice down for the duration of her visit.

"How about instead for right now we focus on the fact that our good pal Ruby here," Emma slings an arm around Ruby's shoulders with a broad smile, "came to us-- _us_ \--for advice of the romantic nature." She waggles her eyebrows, smile bright enough to power the house.

Anger fading, Regina looks at Ruby with nothing but utter disbelief. "Really?" She wrinkles her nose. "Us?"

Shrugging, Ruby does her best to look nonchalant about it. "Well you guys are pretty much the lesbian icons of Storybrooke."

" _Icons_ ," Emma repeats in a great, dramatic inhale, looking close to tears.

Regina on the other hand is less impressed. "Actually, I identify as pansexual and Emma-"

"If the woman wants to call us lesbian icons let her call us lesbian icons," Emma cuts her off.

Though she scoffs, Regina mercifully doesn't argue, and Emma guides Ruby down the hall with a spring in her step. "Why don't you come into my sitting room, which is different than my living room for some reason, because I apparently am a pretentious rich person now that I live here."

"The sitting room is for entertaining, the living room is for familial recreation time, Emma. It's really not that difficult to understand."

 

-

  

Maybe Ruby Lucas never thought she would bear her soul to the Evil Queen of all people, but sitting across from Emma and Regina and letting out all of her feelings about Belle is surprisingly cathartic.  

"I've been working myself up to it every Sunday for ages now when she comes in, but whenever I try it's like I get all twisted up and tongue tied. I don't know how to just take that leap and, you know, tell her I like her."

Both Emma and Regina gape at her, apparently scandalized by the very idea.

Self consciousness crashing over her like a tidal wave, Ruby blinks at them. "What?"

"Rubes, come on," Emma scoots forward on the couch, leaning close, arms resting on her thighs and pity etched into her features, "you never just flat out tell a girl you like her."

Regina nods emphatically. "It makes you look like an idiot," she explains.

"But-" Ruby's protest is quickly cut off.

"What, you want to just, like, put yourself out there?" Emma asks, features twisted up as though she's tasted something sour. "Completely?"

"Never let yourself be completely vulnerable," Regina says. "That's asking for trouble."

Ruby frowns. "But I thought honesty was-"

"Dude," Emma interrupts, solemn and serious, "if you ask her out she could say _no_. Do you get how embarrassing that would be?"

"Not to mention the fact you would be completely relinquishing your control." Regina wrinkles her nose.

"Control?" Ruby squeaks. "I don't want control. I just want to have dinner with her or something, I don't know."

A heavy sigh slips out of Regina. "This is worse than I thought."

"Don't worry," Emma assures Ruby, reaching over to pat her knee with sympathy, "we'll help get you on track."

"Sounds like it will be a lengthy visit." Regina stands and heads for the archway leading towards the kitchen. "I'll make some coffee."

"Don't look so nervous." Emma relaxes against the couch and gives Ruby's foot a playful nudge with her own. "Look, the main thing is you gotta play it cool. When you talk to her just keep it casual. Try and be like me. Smooth. Cool. Confident. Suave, even."

Raucous laughter bursts from the kitchen, surrounding them.

Emma scowls, cheeks pink. "Why don't you just focus on that coffee, honey."

_"Y-yes, dear,"_ Regina somehow manages to get through her clearly uncontrollable cackling.   

Ruby shifts in her seat. "Maybe I should go to Snow and David instead."

"What?" Emma's features pull together in sheer disgust. "No, ew. Ruby, they're too straight."

She rolls her eyes. "I know they're straight but it's not like-"

"No," Emma cuts her off, "you can go to a straight couple for advice, that's fine. Most of em are great. I just mean they, specifically, are _too_ straight. My whole family tree is aggressive heteronormative hell."  

"What?" Ruby blinks at her, terribly confused.

"My grandfather on Mom's side was a sixty-year-old man who locked a child bride into marital slavery. My grandmother on Dad's side would rather die a painful, prolonged death than lose even the possibility of having a biological grandchild.

“Not to save her actual grandchild, no, just the _potential_ of one day _maybe_ having a biological one. She could have lived to say, I don't know, have a happy comfortable life with her family in the palace while they saved an orphan by adopting it into royalty, but instead she would rather die so I might _maybe_ be born.

“And after she _did_ die horrifically for just the potential of me, my parents were attacked and put a five-minute-old child in a tree trunk so that I might one day be able to lift my head and defeat an evil dictator witch with absolutely no knowledge of what was going on at all."

"Wow." Ruby bobs her head as she mulls the information over. "Those do seem like things only excessively straight people would do."

"Exactly," Emma says with a firm nod.

Regina returns then, an ornate tray laden with the works balanced on her open palm. Three steaming mugs of coffee, cream, sugar. She places it on the coffee table between the sofas before settling down comfortably next to Emma.

"What about excessively straight people?" she asks, having only caught part of the conversation. Her eyes gleam. "Are we making fun of your mother?"

Emma huffs. "Don't start."    

"Start what?" Regina's voice is the high, controlled pitch of perfect innocence.

"You know." Emma shakes her head "Please don't do this is front of company."

"It being my home you'd think I'd be allowed to do anything I like in front of my company," Regina says emphatically, "and yet-"

"Oh here we go-"

"Hey, wow," Ruby cuts in before this can get any more painfully uncomfortable. "I'm sorry. Don't fight. I didn't mean to start trouble for you guys."

Regina furrows her brow. "Trouble?"

"Yeah," Ruby sets her mug back on the tray before even taking a sip. "I'll just find somebody else to bother about this." She wipes her palms on her pants and starts to stand. "Not Snow and David but, maybe there's another couple-"

"But we're icons," Emma says, eyes wide and lip trembling.

Regina rolls her eyes. "Oh would you knock it off with that?"

Emma scowls at her. "Why do you have to be excessively negative about every good thing in my life?"

"Please don't fight," Ruby begs again before Regina can snap back. “I'm sorry. I'll go. I shouldn't have even come. I'm sorry."

"Of course you should have come," Emma whines, "we're _icons_."

"Shut up with that idiocy." Regina rounds on Ruby. "Don't let her stupid jokes run you off, Miss Lucas. Despite appearances Emma and I are more than capable of helping you out."

Ruby winces as her eyes flicker between Regina's hard glare and Emma's childish pout. "See, that's the thing," she says as delicately as she can manage. The last thing she needs is to wind up with a fireball to the face. "I want to ask Belle out because I like her. I have feelings for her. And you guys, well," she grimaces with a half-shrug, "you know."

Emma's petulance gives way to a deep set confusion that Regina mirrors. "What do we know?"

"It just-" Ruby shifts, wishing desperatly that she'd never come at all, "It kind of seems like you guys don't actually like each other that much."

The silence is deafening.   

And then, all at once, it shatters.

Ruby is absolutely bombarded as Emma and Regina can't seem to get their declarations out fast enough.  

_"How dare you?!? I would die for her-"_

_"Emma Swan is the light of my life-"_

_"-Satan himself could not pry her from my cold, dead hands-"_

_"-in a world where nobody else dared to believe in me-"_

_"-I would rather have all of the goodness in my soul violently gouged out of my body than see her come to any harm-"_

_"-the sheer intensity of the emotional connection we share after going through-"_

"All right," Ruby cuts them off quickly before they lose themselves in their passionate, overlapping monologues, "okay, it was just an observation."

"Well it was a bad one," Emma grouses as she slouches against the back of the couch, arms crossed, shoulders hunched, and pinning Ruby with one hell of a stink eye.

Regina sits beside her, looking down her nose at Ruby as though she's something unfortunate caked on to the bottom of her most expensive heels.

"I'm sorry," Ruby offers, though more out of fear for her life than anything else, "I didn't mean to imply you you guys don't love each other."

As quick as it had come, their anger melts into flustered embarrassment. They spring to opposite ends of the couch, faces matching shades of tomato red as they trip over their denials.

"L-love is a strong word-" Emma gulps like something out of a cartoon as she tugs at her collar.

Regina shifts about in her discomfort. "Let's not put labels on-"  

_Oh my god._

Three hours later Ruby leaves the mansion embarrassed, uncomfortable, and frustrated, with the promise of Regina and Emma helping her woo Belle next Sunday as well as a healthy helping of Regina's lasagna packaged neatly in Tupperware.

She fully intends to use it to eat her feelings when this inevitably goes up in flames.

 

-

 

Emma and Regina are perched on stools at the counter while Ruby studiously wipes it down. She has about five minutes until Belle shows up and the couple's incessant bickering is horrible for her already frayed nerves.

"I think I should be in charge." Emma sits straight-backed and confidant on her stool, nose in the air.

"You can't be serious." Regina stares at her, eyebrows raised. "You're a mess when it comes to dealing with any kinds of feelings."

"And yet here I am dating way out of my league while you've been forced to settle."

"What?" Regina is apparently wildly offended by the notion. "I was the Evil Queen. You're inherently out of my league just by being you."

"Oh my god," Ruby growls, "stop fight-flirting in front of me, it's gross." She gives up on pretending to clean and tosses the rag onto the counter. She takes a steadying breath. "Look, why don't you both just work together, huh? Teamwork is what you're all about, isn't it?"

Regina sniffs. "We do seem to be most productive as a pair."

"I guess two perspectives couldn't hurt," Emma says with a shrug.

"Okay," Ruby says, fighting to keep her patience, "now will you two please order something so this doesn't look super suspicious?"

Except then the bell over the door chimes and Ruby's mind goes utterly blank. Book tucked under her arm, Belle walks in, sweet and unassuming.

Oh god, why the hell did Ruby think two bitter, emotionally damaged witches would be the key to romancing a girl like that?

"What do I do?" Ruby squeaks as Belle flashes her a smile before taking a seat at her usual booth in the far corner. "I don't know what to do."

"Calm down," Regina hisses.

"Yeah." Emma's soft whisper is a little more encouraging. "Play it cool. We got this."

"We'll make it so you don't have to even worry about rejection because she'll be throwing herself at you."

Emma nods along to Regina's words. "Go over and just casually take her order."

"I already know her order," Ruby reminds them. "She gets the same thing every week."

"Don't let her know you know that," Regina says, eyes wide at Ruby's apparent stupidity. "Act like you don't care to remember. Be aloof."

"Chicks dig mystery," Emma says with a smug smile. "Works every time."

"Oh?" Regina's amusement rings clear in her voice. "And when were you being mysterious? The first time we met when you told me about the birthday wish your tender heart made on the brightest star in the night sky?"

"It was a candle," Emma corrects through her embarrassed scowl, "and we're talking about Ruby right now, thanks."

Ruby leaves them to argue and makes her way to Belle on unsteady legs, frantically running through what little advice the women had managed to offer between their bickering. Be smooth and casual and confident and aloof. In and out. Leave her wanting more.

"Oh, Belle, I didn't realize you were here."

Polite but disinterested. Reserved.

Flawless execution.

Belle's brow furrows. "We made eye contact before I sat down."

_Goddammit_.

Ruby hopes the heat in her cheeks doesn't betray her. "O-oh," she splutters, "guess I, uh, didn't recognize you."

Judging by her expression, Belle's confusion only grows, and Ruby is almost positive she hears Emma snort over her shoulder.

"Anyways," she tries desperately to recover, "what can I getcha?"

"Just the usual...that I always get..." Belle tilts her head. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Better than ever," Ruby barks out too fast and too loud before beating a hasty retreat back to the counter. "Oh god that was terrible. That was awful."

"Well you certainly got her attention," Regina drawls.

"This could still work. She's definitely looking at you." Emma peeks over her shoulder to be sure.

"Yeah, because I freaked her out," Ruby groans. She drops her elbows on the counter, head in hands. "I'm such a disaster."

"Pull yourself together." The sharp authority in Regina's tone is enough to have Ruby upright and straight-backed in seconds. "You're a wolf. A noble, dignified creature of strength and skill and you will not be bested by one little setback."

"But what do I do?" she whines.

"Bring her her order," Emma says, "then say something else that grabs her attention. As long as she's thinking about you after you leave, you're on the right track."

Regina nods. "Leave her questioning where you two stand. Give her a hint, but don't spell it out for her. If you're subtle enough about it, you'll leave her thinking that pursuing a relationship is her idea."

"Yeah, what she said," Emma agrees, though she looks as confused as Ruby feels.

"But _how_?"

"Must we spell everything out for you?" Regina rolls her eyes. "Do something simple. After you put down her order insult her outfit so she doesn't think you're coming onto her, but she knows you've been looking at her."

"Aw," Emma coos with a dopey grin, "is that why you always did that?"

"I'm not going to make fun of her," Ruby squeaks, appalled. "That's bullying."

"Fine." Regina shakes her head. "If you're going to be difficult about it." She roots about in her purse until she pulls out her cellphone. "Does she have a car? I can order a boot on it."

"Yeah," Emma drawls, "that one I didn't like so much."

Regina shoots her a scathing glare. "It got results didn't it?"

"She doesn't have a car," Ruby says quickly to put an end to the brewing argument before it can begin.

"That's fine," Emma waves her off. "Because here's what we're gonna do, Regina and I will find one of those medallion thingys and set a wraith on her. Right before it strikes _bam,_ " she claps her palms together for emphasis, "you leap in at the last second and save the day."

_"No,"_ Ruby sputters out. "I'm not gonna put her in that kind of danger."

Emma's brow furrows. "Well, I mean, you could absorb the curse of the Dark One for her but I'm not really sure how we would separate it from the dagger again." She wrinkles her nose. "Besides, you'd have to become the ultimate evil for it to work so I figured that would be a no-go."

"You figured right."

"How about instead we wait for her to leave the diner and return to the library." Regina presents her newest plan in a calm, clear voice that actually raises Ruby's hopes that it might not be terrible. "When she's inside alone, we'll set the building on fire."

_Whelp._   

"Oooh, and _that's_ when you'll swoop in to save save the day." Emma lets out a triumphant whoop of a laugh. "That's a great idea. Regina was totally into it when I pulled her out of our fire incident. All flushed and breathless. She was practically swooning in my arms."

"That was because of the smoke inhalation."

Emma waves her off. "Sure, babe."  

A soft cough sounds before Regina can retaliate, and with growing horror Ruby looks over to find Belle standing at the counter off to the side, clear amusement shining in her bright eyes.

Oh shit, how long has she been there?

Too long judging by the way she's eyeing Regina and Emma with a mixture of pity and reproach.

"Uh-" Ruby stammers.

"I came over to see if you'd forgotten my tea," she explains apologetically, "but I didn't want to interrupt." Belle refocuses on the couple sitting beside her. "As high ranking town officials you two really shouldn't be advocating such dangerous ploys. You're supposed to be setting a good example for the rest of us."

Emma looks properly chastened, but Regina raises her nose in the air with a haughty sniff.

"Ruby?" Belle is looking at her again and Ruby's insides seize up under the sheer beauty of that soft smile.

It's all she can do to stiffly nod.

"Would you like to come around my place for dinner tonight?"

"Uh-y-yeah." It bursts out of her in a great rush, her heart hammering against her chest as though looking to break free of her body altogether. "Ye-yes. Please. Thank you."

A light, tinkling laugh. "Six?"

"Six is good. Six is great."

"Well okay then."

"Okay," Ruby squeaks as Belle returns to her booth to patiently await her order.

Holy shit.

"See? An air of mystery always draws them in." Emma beams, chest puffed up. "Works every time."

Ruby winces, her elation over what just happen wavering as she waits for Regina to argue that _she_ was truly the one who saved the day. Part of her wants to scream that they're both assholes who did way more harm than good, but she's got a date - a _date_ \- with Belle tonight and she's not looking to be magically murdered before that happens.    

But to her surprise, Regina actually chuckles, fondness clear in her gaze as she watches Emma preen. "Of course, _Savior_. Another plan perfectly executed."

Emma grins at Ruby, eyes twinkling. "No need for thanks, citizen."

And as the couple stand, good humor clear, doubt creeps in at the corners of Ruby's mind.

Did they just-?

Regina collects her purse. "Have fun tonight, Miss Lucas. Don't do anything we wouldn't."

"So not much off limits then?" Emma winks at her before turning to head towards the exit with her girlfriend.

Those assholes totally just fucked with her, didn't they? They were giving her terrible advice on purpose.

"You were right, that was fun," Regina hums as Emma helps her into her coat.

"I'm always right." Emma shrugs on her own jacket. "We did good."

"Well," Regina corrects. " _I_ did well. _You_ almost broke cover by laughing at your own idiotic jokes."

"Hey, you're only one half of this iconic lesbian duo, babe," Emma reminds her as she pulls open the door. "Don't try and claim all the credit."  

"I'm breaking up with you," Regina deadpans.

Emma just laughs. "Of course." She gestures Regina through the door with a dramatic sweeping motion. "Where to now?"

"Home. We still have to go over the revised pamphlet like you promised."

Emma's sigh is loud and long suffering.

_"Yes, dear."_

The rest of their conversation is lost as the door swings shut behind them, but it's not like Ruby has time to linger anyhow. She has some tea to make and then she's going on a date.

A _date._

Storybrooke may very well have some new lesbian icons to throw into the mix if she has anything to say about it.

  



End file.
